"This morning on the way to work God, I could hear you telling me these words- Share this experience.Yesterday I heard a podcast and one of the questions asked was,
Where are you taking risks for the sake of Christ?
Gut punch- am I taking risks for you? This really spoke to me- convicted me to really assess my life and the answer to this question. In my life- where am I taking risks for Him?”
This was another one of those ah-ha, confirmation moments. As I drove to work that morning, I knew God was asking me to share the ups and the downs. I pray that through this blog, you are able to see how God has been working. I pray you see His hand in this- in every detail and in the planning. When I thought about that question I heard on the podcast- Where are you taking risks for Christ, I thought about this.. Writing to you and sharing these thoughts and this journey. It feels vulnerable to share with you some of my most intimate feelings from the pages in my journal, but I believe that it is one of the “risks” He was showing me that morning. If anything- I hope you are able to see just how alive and present God is.
At this point in the journey- I knew deep down in my heart that God was asking me to go a different path- to start a school, but my head and “being realistic” still kept me so torn. In my mind sometimes, and just being honest with you, I would go back and forth between having faith in God to lead me through this- and then moments later the doubt would creep in and I would think about all the what if’s and how this was too big of a task for me. My heart was battling my head. I could feel the excitement and passion flow out of me when I thought about the school- when I thought about how God was bringing together my love for ministry, my faith, and my passion for education. And, being honest with you again- it was during those rides into work- when it hit me the hardest.
But God.. But God right...
It’s pretty incredible how God knew exactly how I would be feeling- it blows my mind that he knows my heart so perfectly, so well, that he would even plan it so that someone would be there to pick me up...
“Dear Lord God- Yesterday I just about fell apart. The pace and stresses of work, of going and going just about got me. I found myself this week driving to work and just crying. Feeling like I have huge weights on my shoulders. Carrying the workload- feeling guilty for passing my own children off to daycare as I go to work- my momma heart hurts. But, its crazy how you work God, because as I sat in my office just about ready to cry again- and then I look up to see who is walking through my office door. You sent Mrs. Cindy to me. She randomly had a meeting at our building, but as she was walking in, she kept hearing your voice to come see me. When she walked through my door Lord- I couldn’t believe it. Thank you Lord for placing her there. Just as I was feeling so low, you brought her to me, to help refocus me and ground me back in what I am doing. That this is for you- not for anyone else. May I truly feel the surrender of all these weights over and on to you- to feel lifted- to feel lighter- free. I pray, God that you show me the right time- time to leave to start fully working on the school- the time to share it with others- God forgive me for thinking I have to have it ALL planned out. This is your school, this is your plan for the city- this is yours. I am yours.
I surrender my mind, body, soul, spirit- Lord I want you to lead me today. God I give you these weights. You are enough to carry it all. You already have it all worked out. Lord you can do this. Lord help me to have joy- to seek you- desire you- my heart and soul be filled with your peace. Lord, may I be a life giver- fully secure in YOU Lord, so that I am able to pour out your love into others.”
Pretty amazing right, that out of all of the people that would be in our building- He just happened to work it out that my spiritual mentor would be there- walking through my door at that exact moment. We talked for a little while about how I was feeling- and where the stress and weight was coming from. The doubt, the fear, the worry- that’s not from the Lord.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
She held my hands and led me through a prayer of giving each worry and stress over to Him. Immediately, after we finished- I felt so much lighter. I knew I had to stop trying to figure it all out. I had to stop striving. I was trying to be.. Everything. And not through Him- in my own flesh.
Pouring out my heart to Him, trusting in His plan, and being okay with not knowing the plan right now- that is something I still pray a lot about. Being the type A person- I love a good checklist and timeline or knowing how it will all work out. But I didn’t have that. I needed to learn how to feel peace in the unknown. To be fully present and not miss today- as I looked towards the future. To wholeheartedly continue seeking Him- to know Him better- not just the school. If anything, looking back and reading this journal entry again, reminds me just how much God pursues us.
Ask God to reveal all the ways in which he has been pursuing you. Where in your life is He knocking at the door? What fears are you facing that you need to surrender over to Him too?
There is a song I listened to a lot during this time, Peace be Still, by Lauren Daigle. The lyrics in this song really shared how my heart was feeling at this time.
Peace be still
Say the word and I will
Set my feet upon the sea
Till I'm dancing in the deep
Oh peace be still
You are here so it is well
Even when my eyes can't see
I will trust the voice that speaks
I would turn this song up as loud as I could in the car- just crying out to God to remove the fear. I want to be obedient to you God, I want to do this because of how you have loved me. Give me the courage God to do what you’re asking me to do.
Let faith, rise up
Oh heart, believe
Let faith rise up in me