Good Morning God- This morning before I was fully awake, the song “This is how I fight my battles” was going through my head. God- may what overwhelms and troubles me be matched by what inspires, equips, and pursues me. God may my battle be fought by you- may my faith be founded on your nearness.
The New Year had come- welcome to 2020! In my journal at that time you would see the word, ”waiting” written many times. At this time I was not really feeling a lot of momentum behind getting the school started in time for a fall 2020 launch. I kept hearing God telling me, “I am working all things out”... if you know me, then you know how hard this is for me. I am the kind of person that likes to jump on an idea and have it completed, yesterday. I get so excited. I want to plan it out and begin immediately. This was different- obviously starting a school wouldn’t be something I could plan out or even carry out alone. This was a huge undertaking- but I was still so unsure of so many answers. I was trying so hard to stay focused on him- to keep the thoughts of doubt and uncertainty at bay, best I could.
Lord God I don’t want to make decisions based on my emotions. Let them be built on you- you are my rock, Lord let that be known in my heart and in my head. God focus my desires for approval in you- help me God not to feel so tossed by the words of another, but to be steadfast in you- in what you are calling me to do Lord. You are my constant, I will only find my last satisfaction through you- through your nearness. So great is your steadfast love.
It’s funny- maybe not funny, but ironic and incredible how God works. As January started, so did my pro + cons lists, literally. I was analyzing all the things- all the possible ideas and solutions to making this happen. I was also making lists of other ideas in case this didn’t happen! But, God works in mysterious ways right? It would be that week that I would become super sick, the week I had planned to meet with a few different people about the school, it was the week I was probably the sickest I have ever been with strep, flu, and a sinus infection.
I would end up lying in bed. In the house alone for days...just me and my thoughts.
It actually reminded me of the time I was put on bed-rest when I was pregnant with our Elsie, a few months after Shea passed away. God gave me that time to begin truly grieving her loss and a quiet place during the day to listen- a place to hear him.
Now, I don’t think God gave me the flu and strep on purpose or anything but, it did allow me to be in a place where I could hear him. I literally couldn’t speak, stand, or walk around, so it was the perfect timing for God to remind me of what was really important here.I was all ears. It would be a few days before I had the strength to journal, but once I was able to, thoughts that had been built up for a few days started pouring out into my journal…
Are you working on something here Lord? Maybe it is still me. You’ve given me a vision of something so beautiful. I don’t want to ever look back and wish I hadn’t waited or should have taken the leap. One day I am going to stand before you and give an account to this incredible vision. I don’t want to stand before you and tell you I was scared, I don’t want to miss this Lord. God I love you so much, right now I can feel you working in me, something new- something you want me to do. Everything kind of feels so up in the air, but I can tell that leading up to this sickness I was STRESSING, my eye would even stop twitching!!
I was trying to figure it all out- figure it all out now. Such striving. I believe you want me to rest in you- what is today calling? I’m going to miss it all if I don’t stop looking so far into the future and focus on today. Lord God, help me to be still, pray more, and listen to you when you give me the next nudge. Show me the right path O’Lord. Give me wisdom, give me courage and boldness to step out when you are calling me to.
“At the end of my life, I want to look back and know that I sought relationship with my God above all else, and that I have Him my heart in and out of every season, no matter the cost”