My heart and head would continue to feel torn as my desire to fully devote my time to starting the school would increase, but my head would tell me no, it’s not realistic to quit your job for something that may or may not happen. The battle was real. It was a battle of the mind, flesh, heart, head- you name it. I knew what I needed to do, but it didn’t make much sense to the world, or our family’s personal finances. The enemy would sneak into my mind and play such tricks of guilt and shame- making me think I wasn’t caring for my family, or being irresponsible for letting go of insurance, retirement, and benefits, or making me feel like we wouldn’t survive without my salary. How could I do this to my family? Why would I put this financial pressure on Chad? Those were the thoughts swirling around- so twisted.
Early in the morning though, when it’s just me and God- when I was in His word, listening and quiet- I knew what I needed to do. It would feel so clear and light. There was no pressure to do or keep up or make enough- he would supply what we needed. So many times in the past, when we didn’t think we would make it or we didn’t know how we would pay for something, He always supplied a way. Always. I felt so much faith in those moments- that I could conquer the world with Him leading me. I wanted to stop allowing the “world” to tell me what was right- what made sense... I wanted those thoughts and attacks from the enemy to stop. It was truly such a battle, and still is at times today too.
I wanted to remove the distractions to be able to fully focus on what He was saying to me, to stay in that place to hear him clearly, to study and learn more about Him in order to start the school. I also knew this was a huge undertaking- it would call for an incredible amount of planning. My heart was fully there- wanting to pursue the school, but how?
“Lord God show me the places in my heart that need to be cleansed, so that you may use me today Lord. Lord may I be more like you, and not of my flesh- so emotional. I want to be a person who pours out your love and peace, not my tears. Lord, will you build confidence in our family of what to do- when the time is right, Lord for me to devote my time during the day, please show me and Chad. Let him feel comfortable with it too. Lord may this be something his heart desires fully-never something that comes between or divides us.”
It was one particular Friday that it just about became too much for me. I found myself at Zaxby’s on my lunch break eating a Cobb salad and crying. (but yay for choosing a healthier option right?) I just didn’t want to mess anything up.I wanted to be obedient to this- How incredibly special of a calling… I felt such honor in being a part of what God was inviting me to do, but everything in my head told me I was crazy. I am a planner and I didn’t know this plan- I didn’t know all the answers. It was a huge risk.
I took out the book Kevin Miller wrote about his journey of starting Awaken Church. Looking back now, I can see how I was longing to connect with someone who had been on a similar journey- I was searching for a “me too” and comfort in knowing this would all be okay. But as I was reading through the pages in his book (and shuffling through my salad for the last pieces of fried chicken because we all know that’s the best part) God spoke to me in that moment and I would end up journaling about it the next day. How He met me right where I was at…
“If I wait for you to map out every single detail like google maps, then I’ll miss the journey. Lord, I don’t want that. I want all of what you have for me, even if some of that is unknown, scary, or hard. The questions I have about where and when and who- they will all come- because of you- because this is from you. God, it’s hard in the waiting- in the unknown, but Lord may this be your school- YOUR heart pouring into these sweet families to come. God if it is your will, then it will. Holy Spirit, I pray for courage. Courage and humility to lead this school…
To step out and start
To go and arise.
Lord I pray for the doors to open wide on the place and time. If it is your will Lord, show me. Stir the hearts of those you want involved. Lord God you are so much more capable, to do this, to carry this.
You can make something out of nothing- Yaweh Sebaot. I pray for you to pull the pieces together to begin to bring your school into the light- may it not be hidden in the shadows of my heart, but
Lord give it life.
Stir the hearts of the families to come, bring them to a place where they crave this for their children- for their family. Lord, Holy Spirit- will you fill this place, bring it into existence. You are working all things out, I believe that Lord. You are my loving and trusting Father and I give this back to you.”